Many children become entangled in their parents’ conflicts as they grow up, allying with their mothers and jointly blaming their fathers. While this may seem like support for the mother, it can lead to profound relational difficulties in adulthood: difficulty establishing intimacy, a tendency to be aggressive or withdrawn in relationships, and a strong fear of conflict. The root cause behind this is a typical family dynamic known as triangulation.

First, the harm of triangulation: In a healthy family, parents should form a stable alliance, with children maintaining appropriate boundaries with both parents. But when a mother enlists her child as an emotional ally, the child is forced to bear emotional burdens beyond their age; they must make painful choices between loyalty and betrayal; and they learn to maintain relationships through taking sides and attacking. This pattern becomes internalized, affecting every intimate relationship and social interaction thereafter. In the film “The Wedding Banquet,” the father’s silent embrace helps the son understand: the father is not the enemy, but someone bearing his own unexpressed pressures and love. In many Chinese families, fathers are often cast as “targets,” overlooking their underlying vulnerability.

Second, the side effects of alliances: Allying with the mother leaves everyone stuck. The mother loses motivation to confront marital issues and continues to play the victim; the father, under constant attack, becomes either more distant or more angry; the child loses the ability to see the complexity of human nature, developing a binary, black-and-white mindset, and in adulthood continues to handle conflicts by “attacking, blaming, and taking sides.”

Third, how to break the cycle: Stop being the messenger or the referee. Maintain boundaries when hearing your mother’s complaints: “I love you, but your conflicts are for you two to resolve.” This is maturity, not indifference. See your father as a whole person again—try to understand his limitations, and even seek opportunities to talk: “What was your childhood like? Do you have any regrets?” You’ll find your father is not simply a “bad person,” but someone who has wounds, love, and struggles. Rebuild your understanding of relationships: conflict is normal; human nature is complex; mature people do not rush to attack or take sides, but instead express their needs and work together to solve problems.

Fourth, true growth comes from stepping off the battlefield. There are no absolute good or bad people in a family—only individuals struggling through life with their own wounds. When you stop being the child allied with your mother, you can truly grow up—developing boundaries, independent judgment, stable relationships, and a deeper understanding of both your parents and yourself.

A family should not be a lifelong battlefield; only by stepping out of the triangle can you reclaim your true self.